Breaking Kayfabe

Image is a close up of Kidumesh's face.
Drawn by Morningstar Sigma.

Aunt Agony was a mythic figure on Uruk, capital world of the Sanguinary Utnapishtim. A miraculous intelligent ursid, she was seen as something like a benign Baba Yaga; a friendly yet mysterious critter who lived in the woods. Typically in her myths she would help wayward travellers who had got lost on the way to battle by ensuring they died a violent death after all. Gradually her name came to be associated with worldly wisdom and peasant sagacity, and 'As Aunt Agony says,..." is what particularly smug parents say before dispensing wisdom to their children.

Not ones to miss a trick, the Office for the Propagation of Pertinent Information decided to tap into that bit of folklore when creating an advice column aimed at literate subjects of the Sanguinary Utnapishtim. After all, the large urban workforce typically commutes in to the Logistics District from their communal habblocks, so that is time they could spend imbuing Good Khornite Principles along with their daily briefings - it would be a dreadful sin against efficiency to miss out on the chance to propagandise in that space! So it was that working logisticians came to be enlightened by the cheerfully can-do murderous attitude of their friendly neighbourhood ursid, Aunt Agony. Read on below!

Obviously a Khornite advice column is satirical. Please for the love of God do not actually take the advice of a Khornite murder bureaucrat. If I need to tell you that then you are probably neither old nor wise enough for this website. Or, you know, any website. But, just in case, thought I would make that clear. If you want to submit a question (in character!) reach out to me on Reddit!

Who Supervises the Supervisor?

Image is The Detective.
Drawn by Grace Bruxner.

``Dear Aunt Agony,

I have a supervisor in my office who has these bizarre enthusiasms and he keeps asking me to participate. I don't know how to explain to him that I am not interested in this nonsense; it's awkward 'cos he's my boss! What should I do?

B4tBG,
Investigator Anura.''

Dear Investigator Anura,

Thanks for writing! This sort of thing can be difficult, no doubt, especially if your supervisor is wise, charming, intelligent, and truly vicious - as I am sure they are! Fortunately the Blood God provides for such situations a very simple remedy: remorseless violence. So, have you tried stabbing them?

Admittedly it is a subtle signal (if you need to be less subtle you can always shoot them) so you will need to time things right. In particular, make sure to correlate the stabbings with whenever they bring up this nerdy little hobby of theirs. This also means that, tempting as it can be, you will have to refrain from stabbing them on other occasions, such as when a report is due and they are late in getting you feedback, or they claim to be too busy to meet but you can see they are clearly active on time wasting social-noosphere sites. Best not to dilute the value of the signal, and just make it entirely clear what you are stabbing for and why. With any luck eventually they will connect the dots themselves, and do so without putting you in the awkward position of having to explain that you actually find this stuff kind of dull. Hope this helps!

S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

Beaky Blinders

Image is detail from commissioned art.
Drawn by Seru.

``Dear Aunt Agony,

Hi, long time reader first time writer. I've been working in [REDACTED] database center, supervising the efficiency directives to allocate violence to the proper areas -- and, well, recently I feel an increasing need to dig deeper, uncover more secrets and also i seem to have grown a beak. Please advise.

B4tBG,
Fractured Crimson.''

Dear Fractured Crimson,

Thanks for writing! Always great to hear from long term readers like you. Such a shame this will be the last time you hear from me. Or anyone. Because, obviously, you must die. So at around the time you receive this response a team of Mashers should be arriving at your hab. I have instructed them to give you a fighting chance, so they will offer you a variety of weapons to fight your last duel with; see if you can take some of them down with you. Since you asked for my advice, though, I guess I should give it -- I recommend the serrated dagger.

Good luck!

S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

For The Greater Violence

Image is a Pactswoman experiencing
the joy attending freedom from doubt.

Detail from a piece drawn by Seru.

``Dear Aunt Agony,

Like many people, I often find myself concerned about whether individual killings are justified if they may prevent further killings down the road. Am I justified in killing someone if they have the potential to be a mass murderer? How can I know?

B4tBG,
Pyromaniac.''

Dear Pyromaniac,

Thanks for writing! Your question is one I have heard before and it's so great that I am getting a chance to address it. Because I think this really gets to the heart of what makes our Empire great, but also some of what imperils us the most. This is important!

So, what you're getting right is you're really thinking about how to maximise your contributions to the murder per moment ratio. This is wonderful, if only all the Etogaur's loyal subjects, from the most Mighty to the lowest wardum, showed such dedication to the cause. It's seriously inspiring that this is what's on your mind, keep it up!

We'd all like to think that any of us has the potential to be the next Kharn, the next M'arīísū; a real mass murderer on an interplanatary scale. And maybe we do! After all, Khorne hates all His servants equally. So it's great that you're keeping your faith in the deep core of violence that lies within us all. But, right now, in the moment - you're the one with the potential to make a real difference, do that little extra bit of slaughter that will make the whole Pact proud. You can't let the vile be the enemy of the bad, you have to make the change you're in a position to make. So while you're out there believing in the victim's potential, I'm in here believing in yours. Believe in the me who believes in you, Pyromaniac.

That said, there was one thing that worried me about your question. It seems like you are presuming to question your superiors. Don't do that. It might seem harmless, productive even, to worry about whether this individual or that might not go on to do more violence if their life was spared. But you have to trust that the people above you issuing your orders, or the good folks in Hostile Recounters deciding when to approve duels, know what they are doing. And I mean have to. If you suspect anyone of not trusting as much please immediately report them to your local Mashers. But in the mean time, know that you are freed from the burden of questioning, really of thinking about anything at all except about how best to carry out your allotted task within the 8 Year Plan, under our glorious regime. Isn't that wonderful?

(If you notice anyone reading this article who did not verbally affirm `yes' upon reaching that last question please also report them to your local Mashers.)

Hope this helps!

S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

P.s. I presume you had in mind killing someone Mighty here. If it was wardum you were thinking of killing then obviously that's always ok so long as doing so does not excessively disrupt production, and you should report yourself to your local disciplinary Pater to receive a corrective lashing for even considering the possibility that a wardum's life might matter.