Breaking Kayfabe

Image is a close up of Kidumesh's face.
Drawn by Morningstar Sigma.

Aunt Agony was a mythic figure on Uruk, capital world of the Sanguinary Utnapishtim. A miraculous intelligent ursid, she was seen as something like a benign Baba Yaga; a friendly yet mysterious critter who lived in the woods. Typically in her myths she would help wayward travellers who had got lost on the way to battle by ensuring they died a violent death after all. Gradually her name came to be associated with worldly wisdom and peasant sagacity, and 'As Aunt Agony says,..." is what particularly smug parents say before dispensing wisdom to their children.

Not ones to miss a trick, the Office for the Propagation of Pertinent Information decided to tap into that bit of folklore when creating an advice column aimed at literate subjects of the Sanguinary Utnapishtim. After all, the large urban workforce typically commutes in to the Logistics District from their communal habblocks, so that is time they could spend imbuing Good Khornite Principles along with their daily briefings - it would be a dreadful sin against efficiency to miss out on the chance to propagandise in that space! So it was that working logisticians came to be enlightened by the cheerfully can-do murderous attitude of their friendly neighbourhood ursid, Aunt Agony. Read on below!

Obviously a Khornite advice column is satirical. Please for the love of God do not actually take the advice of a Khornite murder bureaucrat. If I need to tell you that then you are probably neither old nor wise enough for this website. Or, you know, any website. But, just in case, thought I would make that clear. If you want to submit a question (in character!) reach out to me by emailing me at: sherdenpact [at symbol] gmail.com!

Rambunctious Ruckus

Image is Chartak's family portrait.
Drawn by Arlene Lo.

``Dear Aunt Agony,

My comrades are visiting with their children, who keep demanding I play with them, chasing my felinids, and causing a general ruckus. It's gotten to the point where they are disrupting my neatly ordered piles of logistical data-slates, and I'm worried they might thereby marginally affect our district's cumulative MPM! I don’t want to make things awkward for my friends but the mayhem must stop. Any advice?

B4tBG,
Scaldandria.''

Dear Scaldandria,

Thanks for writing in again! And, look, I get it. I know what people think of me. I bet I can guess what you're expecting ol' stick-in-the-mud Aunt Agony to say here: 'those darn kids having disregulative fun! I'll bet they haven't even filed, a fortnight in advance, form JB2798-321, in triplicate, to get their license for juvenile tomfoolery and up to but no more than seven hijinks!' Right? You can even imagine me saying it my matronly growl!

*(Reminder -- unlicensed mockery of state officials, especially where it involves "funny" accents, should be immediately reported to your local Mashkim Office upon witnessing. Remember: it's only fun and games if enemies of the state get hurt.)

Now, don't get me wrong, our glorious Sanguinary Utnapishtim has its rules for a reason! It wouldn't be inappropriate for you to sit your comrades down and explain to them that, as the State's trusted guardians of these little Mighty warriors to be (Khorne willing!) it's their duty to instil in their wards a proper respect for hierarchy. Even more than that, a proper respect for paperwork, the foundation of our Empire. It might be a bit awkward, but that's nothing a good cathartic punch-up couldn't resolve between you after the conversation.

But, without wanting to take any of that back, right now I want to give you an image. Dream with me here. Imagine me holding the rule book up, ostentatiously, but then (shock!) carefully and respectfully placing it into the bin, before turning my chair backwards to engage in some real talk with you. Childhood is a special period wherein we experience the thrill of our First Murder, we while away afternoons simulating logistical conundrums with our friends, we stay up past mandatary barracks lights-out reading the latest thrilling M'arīísū holonovel by candle-light. It's a time of high-emotion, rambunctiousness, and just a little bit of minor rule violations, is what I'm saying.

As a warrior matures into adulthood they realise, naturally, that our social order is divinely ordained and absolute deference to one's appointed superiors is the will of the Blood God. But it's natural that the Mighty youth, not yet properly socialised but filled with the murderous hate of life so natural to those not yet jaded by the world, don't quite see that yet. So cut them a little slack; and maybe even cut yourself the slack too -- it can be fun to chase a few felinids every now and again!

Of course, this only goes if their play is causing at most a 0.1% downturn in your district's expected MPM. Anything more than that and its your sacred duty to immediately give them a sound thrashing. Hope that helps!



S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

Why not both?

Image is Sexy M'arīísū.
Drawn by Emir92.

``Dear Aunt Agony,

I’ve had a murder partner for years, but a younger more capable partner has emerged - how do I navigate these feelings?

B4tBG,
Khorne's Gift.''

Dear Khorne's Gift,

Khorne is bounteous, He is not jealous - He wants us to do as much murder as possible, not limit ourselves by archaic notions of monocaedy. Different partners can, after all, fulfil different needs for us; maybe one of your partner excells at detailed knife-work, whereas this new younger partner could play a role in more energetic killings. And even if there are sometimes organisational difficulties in maintaining a more complex murder-team structure than the traditional duo, if anyone can handle a bit of logistical complexity it's a Pactsman! So, my point is, rather than choosing one or the other; why not both?

The key is communication. First! Make sure your current murder-partner is on board with new membership for your murder-team. That's important! Check in with them, make sure they're with you all the way. After all, a good murder-partner is not something to just throw away lightly, and you'll depend on that rapport just as much in future. You'll need to check any feelings of jealousy that may arise, so even amidst the heady rush of a new relationship always make sure to keep room for doing violence both with and to each other within your old partnership. Make the time.

Next, it's just a matter of the pair of you approaching this new potential-partner in a relaxed, hateful manner. That way they'll know you're both down with this. In our experience, waiting for one of the mandatory two hours of informal socialisation and pleasant mutual violence sessions, then saying something classy like ``Hey my murder-partner saw you from across the libations-dispensery and we really dig your vibe. Can we offer you a drink?'' basically never fails.

Good luck out there. Hope this helps!

S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

Equal Riots

Image is Lotara Sarrin on her throne.
Detail from by Eaters of Worlds,
an artwork by Neillustrate.

``Dear Aunt Agony,

I'm struggling with hate in my heart. I find I just hate men more than women.

It’s not that I wake up every morning planning not to loathe women, it’s just that every time a man opens his mouth, something terrible happens. Women can’t compete! Men strut around with misplaced confidence, acting as if the world owes them a round of applause for saying something silly. Whereas the women I know are, at best, a bit vain.

Men seem to think they’re on top of everything, but emotionally speaking, most of them are still in junior-scholam. They can't name their feelings, and when confronted with the consequences of their actions, they either blink like confused infant-canids or get irrationally mad. They're impulsive, fragile, melodramatic... and yet somehow, somehow, they believe they should be running the empire. It’s vile, awful, infuriating — inspirational!

What can I do to fix this? I want to have hate in my heart for all, but as it stands it seems women just can’t compete.

Thank you and worst wishes,

B4tBG,
Insufficiently Angry Feminist''

Dear Insufficiently Angry Feminist,

Thanks for writing! And more than that, thanks for thinking you could come to me with this problem. Here at the Office for the Propagation of Pertinent Information we want people to know that even in our polarised, divisive times, we're not afraid to take on the big questions. In fact this is why our respected rivals over at the Office for Ceremonial Calculations developed the D.I.E. training programme. Khorne cares not from whence the blood flows, and neither should you.

But, hey, I get it. It's all very well and good having people tell you the slogans, but what I see in your note is someone who is struggling to feel in their heart the hate which you know intellectually Khorne has for us all. You don't need convicing of that truth, you need practical advice about how to live it - and that's what Aunt Agony is here to give you.

Now, first of all, don't worry. I am not going to tell you that maybe you should hate men any less. Far be it from me to ever want to level down hatred! If anything, I think you might be going a bit too easy on men. Sure, it's pretty annoying how emotionally fragile they are -- but have you considered the possibility that maybe they are just pretending to be that way to manipulate you? When you think about it that would actually be more annoying, and having mauled many men in my day I can say I am something of an expert in their psychology. Let me tell you, they're not above that! So, let's get this straight; how ever much you're hating men, there's always room for more. However bad you think they are, they're probably worse. Keep that in mind!

Second, we're going to aim higher than the rabble with our hatred here. A lot of other advice givers* will try and focus in on the cliché sources of annoyance to get you going. Hey, ever notice how women be selecting subsistence and consumption goods for the hab-block? Infuriating, right? Wrong. No one cares. We're not going to bore you with that, or stories about how sometimes women take too long when preparing to attend the mandatory team building social functions everyone in our Empire enjoys by law. Aunt Agony can do better than that.

*(Reminder -- unlicensed opinion-offerers should be immediately reported to your local Mashkim Office upon discovery. Remember: snitches get stiches, while those who fail to snitch are left to bleed-out.)

So instead what I am going to do is advise you to be proactive. Sure, women don't seem as bad to you now; but why think you are a passive agent in all this? You have the capacity to make all the women in your life worse, if only you set your mind to it. Interrupt them constantly. Praise them when they do well, but only the most condescending manner possible. Constantly explain things you know they understand better than you. Ask them to participate in your hobbies even though you have no reason to think they would enjoy that. Men have been doing these things for years, it's part of what makes them the inspirational figures you look up to right now! What's more, you'll find that once you do this, the women in your life will quickly make it apparent that they hate you - and it's always easier to hate someone back than to begin hating them.

Not only will doing these things help you realise Khorne's glorious equality, but it will also make the women in your life worse, and what's more it will make you a worse person too. Everybody wins!

S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

Creative Juices (not just blood)

Image is a very focused World Eater.
Detail from image by SquableJabble..

``Dear Aunt Agony,

I am a writer like you but lately I have been struggling with terrible writer's block. When I sit down to write I just can’t shake the feeling that nothing I write will be vile enough to satisfy the Blood God. As a fellow writer, I’m sure you’ve also experienced this; do you have any tips?

B4tBG,
Scaldandria''

Dear Scaldandria,

Thanks for writing! And you're right, we've definitely all been there. Usually, of course, when we find ourselves flagging in our duty it helps to simply remember why what we're doing matters helps keep us on task. Knowing that by my penmanship just a few more ounces of innocent blood, that little bit more needless suffering, can be wrung from the world? Why, it fills me with vigour. But, when it comes to writer's block, remembering just how important what it is we do here at the Office for the Propagation of Pertinent Information actually hurts rather than helps! I seize up, filled with visions of skulls untaken, blood-unspilled, anonymous reviewers contemptuously amused; all because I wrote the wrong thing!

So what to do? Well, one thing that helps is to have a layered stack of things to do. It's cliché advice, but it's cliché because it's true. Having difficulty writing that latest inspirational speech for the local Demigaur? Perfect time to get your TPS forms filed. Things just not coming together on your latest Treatise Regarding Grox Retinentia? That's just the ticket for finally completing those wardum-performance-reviews you've let slip. Sometimes what we need is just to see for ourselves that we are actually capable of getting things done; and even if it doesn't work to kick you into gear for your original task, at least you'll have lightened your work load in other ways, and done honour to the Blood God thereby!

Another thing that can work, believe it or not, is to use your allotted leisure time to the full! It might seem crazy, literally insane, that it can ever be a good idea to spend your time thinking about something other than how to efficiently carry out your tasks and see to it that the murder-per-moment ratio is maximised. But it's not! In fact, using your leisure time on recreational tasks has quite conclusively been shown to increase your productivity. (A trial by Might was recently fought on the matter in our very office, and the contrary position was conclusively shown to be erroneous; so thoroughly, in fact, that we are still cleaning the gore-stains from the carpet.) So check out some of our edutaining cogitation-device-games, lose yourself in some gladiatorial spectacle, indulge in the latest M'arīísū pict; go ahead, we won't judge ;)

I think you'll find that after some time spent in these ways you'll find yourself, without ever quite realising how it happened, fully refreshed and ready for work.

But if none of that works, I recommend unleashing extraordinary violence upon one of the public stress-slaves. Just go to town on them, beat them senseless. Always clears the mind. Hope this helps!

S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

Down and Out in Uruk

Image is Pensive Kharn.
Drawn by Cranker_not_Cracker.

``Dear Aunt Agony,

Lately I have come to realize that a terrible mistake was made in awarding me Mighty status, status for which I am neither worthy nor suited. My life now seems a hollow mockery. I barely commit one murder in a year. It seems strange, but I know I would be happier as a wardum, a mere plaything of the Mighty. It is a humble destiny, but I know it is the one the Lord of Blood chose for me.

I am willing to give up the privileges of Mighty status, but I am concerned about what it would mean for my family. My wife is Mighty and truly worthy of that designation, and what would it mean for my two children to have a wardum for a father? Please tell me what to do!

B4tBG,
An insignificant worm, unworthy of a moment of your time.''

Dear Insignificant Worm,

Thanks for writing! And, look, hey, buddy, I get it. I do. Sometimes we all feel down, sometimes everyone has a bad day. But sometimes it's more than that, right? Sometimes those feelings won't go away, they linger and persist, and steal our joy from us even in those moments when the sun is shining and the blood is flowing and all should be well. It sounds like that's your situation. Please rest assured that even though in those moments it can feel like you're alone -- you're not, we've encountered this before, and believe it or not we know exactly what to do in such cases.

So a full mobilisation of a Pact Philia and been authorised and dispatched to your location. That's right, vile servant of the second impediment, we're on to you, we know your game. All depression will be purged without mercy; you'll get yours! You think just because it's called "mental illness" that we'll not notice the illness? Well let Aunt Agony put you and all your kind on notice that you better wise up; we're blessed with the strategic wisdom of the Blood God Himself, eightfold blessings upon his Mighty arms, and your insipid scheming will never fool us!

Top tip* to all you other heretics out there, at least try and be subtle about it next time. In fact we're surprised this worm didn't do better. Subtlety, we assume, is something that should come natural to you -- given that you're all cowards. But if you're going to try and spread your vile mental poisons to our loyal subjects, don't include absolute absurdities like suggesting our perfect social order could possibly be mistaken about who is Mighty and who is wardum! We're going to notice if you slip into denying manifest objective truth!

In any case -- nice try, heretic, but you'll have to do far better than that to sneak past our formiddible mental defences.

S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

*EDITOR'S NOTE: please do not fear loyal subjects of the Etogaur, the intern-logistician who wrote this response has indeed been duly tortured to death for giving tips to heretics.

Enraging Ennui

Image is Dayyānu.
Drawn by Storykillinger.

``Dear Aunt Agony,

I finally made it into the career for which I begged Khorne! But my blood lust has flagged and it feels like a struggle to go through the motions of daily logistics and even murders. How can I recapture that joie de tuer?

B4tBG,
Burnt Out in the Brass Citadel''

Dear Burn Out,

Thanks for writing! First of all, this isn't necessarily anything to be ashamed of. Did you know that according to Office statistarchs up to one-in-three Mighty experienced work-place-burnout in the past Uruk-standard stella-cycle? And based on their follow up enhanced interrogations it seems that the proportion of those cases caused by c*wardice was surprisingly small. (That same study also confirmed that wardum are ontologically incapable of burnout, their nature being suited entirely to serve as our tools; so good news on that front at least!) In short -- what you're going through is surprisingly common, and probably isn't a result of thought-treachery to the Blood Lord.

Second of all, rest assured there is a solution, and your Etogaur is with you all the way in seeking it out. Burnout was, in fact, one of the three Enemies Within that he pledged to ruthlessly purge at the commencement ceremony for the present 8 Year Plan; isn't that exciting!?

(Please report anyone you observe failing to superfluously yet enthusiastically agree with that last rhetorical question to the Office for Social Reproduction. Your vigilegence can help us also purge the other Enemies Within while we're here - eviscerating two puppies with one chainaxe.)

What is your Etogaur doing to help purge burnout? First and foremost a new informational campaign is being rolled out by the Office for Propagation of Pertinent Information to supplement your mandatory D.I.E. training. These will contain inspirational speeches from heroes of the Pact about how logistical support helped them on the battlefield, personalised informational vignettes on exactly how exactly it is your logistical work feeds into the Empire's murder-per-moment ratio, and team-building-exercises wherein you hunt wardum for sport. We're confident this will help you really reconnect with your work, see its significance, and, dare I quote scripture, cultivate that rage which bringeth joy.

But wait, there's more! Because we're also going to introduce fortnightly Envigorating Pizza-and-Rage sessions for all logistical employees! So every other fifthday at the end of final work cycle there will be an extra two hours of informal socialisation and pleasant mutual violence. Cake will be provided. Our focus groups, as a condition of being released, assured us that this boosted their morale. Participation is mandatory.

The cake you will most assuredly receive.


So, we hope it is clear that burn out shall soon be purged from our Empire just as assuredly as followers of the false gods! But, of course, in the Sanguinary Utnapishtim we pride ourselves on ensuring our misanthropy is effective, not merely performative or symbolic without substance. So we will be doing follow up surveys to assess logisticians level of burnout over the coming cycles. To ensure everyone is incentivised to report honestly, please be aware that if we do not find reductions of burnout your line-manager will be held responsible and will be painfully and humiliatingly beaten in front of all-hands. So, for their sake, do tell us how you really feel.

Looking forward to seeing you back to your full fighting self!

S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

But really tho?

Image is Livid Angron.
Drawn by Jay Zillax..

``Dear Aunt Agony,

Why are you so angry?

B4tBG,
Khorne's Chosen Spear.''

Dear Khorne's Chosen Spear,

Aww, stop it, you're making me blush! How... how dare you? How dare you make me blush!? YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!

S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

Who Supervises the Supervisor?

Image is The Detective.
Drawn by Grace Bruxner.

``Dear Aunt Agony,

I have a supervisor in my office who has these bizarre enthusiasms and he keeps asking me to participate. I don't know how to explain to him that I am not interested in this nonsense; it's awkward 'cos he's my boss! What should I do?

B4tBG,
Investigator Anura.''

Dear Investigator Anura,

Thanks for writing! This sort of thing can be difficult, no doubt, especially if your supervisor is wise, charming, intelligent, and truly vicious - as I am sure they are! Fortunately the Blood God provides for such situations a very simple remedy: remorseless violence. So, have you tried stabbing them?

Admittedly it is a subtle signal (if you need to be less subtle you can always shoot them) so you will need to time things right. In particular, make sure to correlate the stabbings with whenever they bring up this nerdy little hobby of theirs. This also means that, tempting as it can be, you will have to refrain from stabbing them on other occasions, such as when a report is due and they are late in getting you feedback, or they claim to be too busy to meet but you can see they are clearly active on time wasting social-noosphere sites. Best not to dilute the value of the signal, and just make it entirely clear what you are stabbing for and why. With any luck eventually they will connect the dots themselves, and do so without putting you in the awkward position of having to explain that you actually find this stuff kind of dull. Hope this helps!

S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

Beaky Blinders

Image is detail from commissioned art.
Drawn by Seru.

``Dear Aunt Agony,

Hi, long time reader first time writer. I've been working in [REDACTED] database center, supervising the efficiency directives to allocate violence to the proper areas -- and, well, recently I feel an increasing need to dig deeper, uncover more secrets and also i seem to have grown a beak. Please advise.

B4tBG,
Fractured Crimson.''

Dear Fractured Crimson,

Thanks for writing! Always great to hear from long term readers like you. Such a shame this will be the last time you hear from me. Or anyone. Because, obviously, you must die. So at around the time you receive this response a team of Mashers should be arriving at your hab. I have instructed them to give you a fighting chance, so they will offer you a variety of weapons to fight your last duel with; see if you can take some of them down with you. Since you asked for my advice, though, I guess I should give it -- I recommend the serrated dagger.

Good luck!

S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

For The Greater Violence

Image is a Pactswoman experiencing
the joy attending freedom from doubt.

Detail from a piece drawn by Seru.

``Dear Aunt Agony,

Like many people, I often find myself concerned about whether individual killings are justified if they may prevent further killings down the road. Am I justified in killing someone if they have the potential to be a mass murderer? How can I know?

B4tBG,
Pyromaniac.''

Dear Pyromaniac,

Thanks for writing! Your question is one I have heard before and it's so great that I am getting a chance to address it. Because I think this really gets to the heart of what makes our Empire great, but also some of what imperils us the most. This is important!

So, what you're getting right is you're really thinking about how to maximise your contributions to the murder per moment ratio. This is wonderful, if only all the Etogaur's loyal subjects, from the most Mighty to the lowest wardum, showed such dedication to the cause. It's seriously inspiring that this is what's on your mind, keep it up!

We'd all like to think that any of us has the potential to be the next Kharn, the next M'arīísū; a real mass murderer on an interplanatary scale. And maybe we do! After all, Khorne hates all His servants equally. So it's great that you're keeping your faith in the deep core of violence that lies within us all. But, right now, in the moment - you're the one with the potential to make a real difference, do that little extra bit of slaughter that will make the whole Pact proud. You can't let the vile be the enemy of the bad, you have to make the change you're in a position to make. So while you're out there believing in the victim's potential, I'm in here believing in yours. Believe in the me who believes in you, Pyromaniac.

That said, there was one thing that worried me about your question. It seems like you are presuming to question your superiors. Don't do that. It might seem harmless, productive even, to worry about whether this individual or that might not go on to do more violence if their life was spared. But you have to trust that the people above you issuing your orders, or the good folks in Hostile Recounters deciding when to approve duels, know what they are doing. And I mean have to. If you suspect anyone of not trusting as much please immediately report them to your local Mashers. But in the mean time, know that you are freed from the burden of questioning, really of thinking about anything at all except about how best to carry out your allotted task within the 8 Year Plan, under our glorious regime. Isn't that wonderful?

(If you notice anyone reading this article who did not verbally affirm `yes' upon reaching that last question please also report them to your local Mashers.)

Hope this helps!

S4tST,
Aunt Agony.

P.s. I presume you had in mind killing someone Mighty here. If it was wardum you were thinking of killing then obviously that's always ok so long as doing so does not excessively disrupt production, and you should report yourself to your local disciplinary Pater to receive a corrective lashing for even considering the possibility that a wardum's life might matter.