Abominable Cheating

Dalāḫum was at her desk chewing on her stylus when Hasûm knocked on her door. She was so distracted that he had to knock twice before she even noticed and called for him to enter. Before her old friend could greet her, she'd thrust the data-slate she'd been staring at upon him and began babbling out her concerns.

"Take a look at this, Hasûm, and tell me what you think. I'm sure it is not right, I'm sure, but... well, no, let me not say any more, please, tell me what you think."

Irritatedly grumbling "hello to you too", Hasûm read the after action report on the dataslate:

"Let us dive into the recent action at Port Hadeon, unpacking the righteous slaughter that occurred therein. My unit ascertained the apostates' redoubt, and proceeded to explore options for their eradication. Direct assault would achieve optimal results. It’s not just pious, it’s also effective. The result? More people dismembered than ever before! Objective achieved with commendable enthusiasm. Minor issue: excessive gore has rendered vox-equipment slippery. Recommend future inclusion of grip-enhancing blessings. Skull quotas surpassed—excellent work team! Terminal secure, murder-per-moment tally submitted."

"Hmm", Hasûm reflected, "I must admit it does sound a bit... off, for Zhalek. Since when has he worried about excessive gore?"

"Right, EXACTLY!" Dalāḫum enthusiastically agreed, evidently relieved to see her concerns mirrored. "Ever since he was assigned to Ekallatum his A.A.Rs have all read this way. It's driving me to the third!"

"Do you suspect him of fabrication? We could get the Arnogaur involved if we have a sirdar falsifying their MPM."

"Well, that's another thing, I took the time to check up on a few of his reports and they are all... mostly true. Like, say, in this case, I showed Zhalek's katogaur the report and the attached MPM tally and asked for her take - she said it was spot on, except that their unit didn't actually have any vox-equipment this time! Makes no sense to lie about that, the Katogaur couldn't make sense of it. One time he claimed to have submitted for evaluation "heptad fragments of ork skull" when no one else mentioned even seeing a greenskin! I'd think he was hallucinating if there wasn't every sign that he's otherwise a stable and effective commander."

Intrigued, Hasûm spent the rest of the morning with Dalāḫum searching through his old A.A.Rs trying to discern a pattern. Three hours later they found the smoking gun. In a report Zhalek's had submitted on a bloodless action that had not merited scrutiny by the Office, submitted after being assigned to guard the Ekallatum-Device, the opening line read "Hey there! I’d love to help you with that After Action Report! As an unholy device of boundless warp-harnessed complexity, "just doing this fucking busywork" for you is well within my power! Tell me how you'd like it to read and let's dive into it!" The bastard was using abominable intelligence for his reports!

Floggings were to follow.