Disaster Relief:
a tale of the Sanguinary Utnapishtim.

Stress was at its maximum in the Office for Ceremonial Calculations. Not only had everyone been working eighteen hour days, but for months Trials of the Mighty or even simple murders had been strictly forbidden—the current crisis demanded everyone’s full efforts. Even the fresh supplies of stress slaves delivered at sunrise and sunset and the steaming vats of recaff were not taking the edge off.

The star Khorne’s Eye was about to go nova, destroying the Sanguinary colony at Rudiea, a recently conquered planet located within a system lying in the path between Geshtu and Enlil. Fortunately, the Sanguinary’s astronomers assured the OCC that there was enough time to plan an evacuation that would maximize bloody conflict over the restricted number of passages available on outward bound vessels. But what would be the ideal number of passages to cause the most killing? This was a true challenge to Sanguinary logisticians, particularly since the exact population of Rudiea was unknown.

And this was only the beginning of the problem. What would be the ideal mix of statuses, ages and genders on the ships themselves to provoke the most violence? What would be the ideal amount of food to supply — surely not enough for everyone to eat well, but too small an amount might lead not to fierce fights over access to food but rather to mass starvation, giving the victory to the second impediment. And what weapons should be supplied? And should calculations allow for cannibalism as a factor?

But the rewards of success would be huge. An entire planet’s population in bloody, life and death struggle—surely the Lord of Skulls would be pleased. Some even envied the still-unknowing people of Rudiea (it was believed that springing the news about the impending destruction of their world as a surprise would be more effective), about to gaze on the river of blood rather than go through reams of tedious and hypothetical calculations. Representatives of the Church of the Burning Massacre were on hand to strictly guard against anyone siphoning off the energy of the kills to ascend to daemonhood - the benefit was to redound to the benefit of the Empire of the Mighty as a whole, not to selfish individuals.

And then it turned out that the Head Astronomer of the Sanguinary Utnapishtim, naturally a Mighty individual, for some reason had beaten to death the wardum who actually understood the stellar life cycle about six months earlier. Khorne’s Eye wasn’t going to blow up after all. Although the Office for Ceremonial Calculations argued vigorously for going ahead with the project anyway, they were overruled by the High Command of the Pact, which believed the planet’s natural resources were too valuable for the war effort to be simply given up.

On the bright side, over the six months following the abandonment of the plan and the loss of months of effort, the murder rate in the Office for Ceremonial Calculations broke all records.